Ridiculous
by HeathenVampires
Summary: Modern AU. Watching her have awful date after awful date, Astrid's best friend tries to steer her in a new direction. A new direction with a silly name. Hiccstrid one shot.


**This prompt has been lying around for a while...**

 **Ok, so this fic contains Eret as Astrid's gay best friend. Kindly control yourselves.**

 **Eret and Astrid work together, she laments lack of good men. Eret sets her up with... You guessed it. Hiccup!**

 **Also decided this is a personal challenge... write a Hiccstrid that isn't smut. Lets see how that goes. Probably not well.**

 **Updated authors note: if you haven't seen it, the first 'chapter' of Hiccstrid one shots is the smut missing in this one shot.**

-HTTYD-

Astrid hit her keyboard in frustration, growling at nothing in particular as she attempted to do her work. A wheelie chair skated along the floor near her, the person sitting it wearing a shit-eating grin.

"Fuck off Eret."

He might be her best friend. He was still a cock.

"I didn't say anything!"

"You were thinking something."

Tapping the bottom of his pen against his tattooed chin, Eret hummed.

"Most people are thinking about something at any given time. For example, Ruff over there is thinking about mounting Scott the lout. Mala is thinking of coming over and smacking me for not working. _You_ are thinking about homicide, so I'm guessing your date last night didn't go well?"

Astrid's hands curled into fists, wondering if their boss Mala would mind if she just killed Eret there and then.

"I hate men."

"Me too."

"You're gay!"

Eret grinned.

"And you're not. So... both of us are illogical. Tell me about the bad bad night."

"Ugh. Later. Let me do this report and I'll rant on smoke break."

Eret probably would have pushed, but 'queen' Mala was circling and he quickly wheeled himself back to his desk, pretending to be hard at work. Astrid typed up the report about Thor-knew-what, still too irritated to care much just yet.

By the time she was stealing a cigarette off Eret on the half-roof sticking out halfway up their weird shaped office building, she was beginning to calm down. He even got her a coffee from the staff room when Astrid went to the bathroom first.

"So... spill?"

Eret held out his pirate themed zippo, letting Astrid light her cigarette on the dancing flame. Blowing out a cloud of smoke, she sipped her coffee from the lidded cardboard cup and sighed loudly.

"Didn't start great. He took me to Johann's, which is _not_ for dates. Nobody has their first date in a pub so loud and dirty you can go deaf and catch something from the peanuts on the bar all in one night."

Eret snorted, taking a pull on his own cigarette as Astrid geared up to let off some steam.

"Blimey. Then what?"

"He proceeded to order six burgers and four whiskeys, then said I should have a salad because he 'hates fat chicks'."

He whistled, knowing that would have ruffled Astrid's feathers a great deal.

"So... you brutally murdered him and you're mad because you got caught?"

"Almost. I stayed because I wanted to jam a pizza down my throat in front of him first. Which I did. Have you ever had pizza at Johann's? I think even my lungs were fighting off food poisoning."

Eret burst out laughing, the unsympathetic dick.

"So after you ate the pizza of doom, then what?"

"He ate the burgers. All six. Added six beers to the four whiskeys. Hit on another woman at the bar who punched him in the face. Then he stumbled back to the table, said since he had no better options that night I would have to do, that he didn't care if girls had fun during sex because its about the man."

Hanging on her every word, Eret had even forgot his cigarette was steadily burning away to nothing.

"And?"

"I threw my drink in his face. Almost threw the glass too. Then he threw up on the table and passed out. I left after that."

"Wow. Ok, that _was_ a bad date. My worst is still the guy who said I looked enough of a girl with my hair down that it wouldn't be gay if I faced away from him."

"Men are terrible."

"I agree. Drink your coffee, the queen will be on her rounds soon."

Tossing the last of her cigarette in the ashtray, Astrid downed the rapidly-cooling liquid in her environmentally cruel cup and sighed to herself.

"Am I really that awful that Ryker Grimborn is the cream of the crop?"

"Nah" Eret threw his muscly, warm arm around her shoulders "they just haven't made a guy good enough for you yet. And you're such a hottie that until then all these idiots can't resist you."

"That's kind of nice. I think. Now get off me before someone thinks you're straight."

Eret pulled his arm off and feigned a camp squeal.

"No! Anything but that!"

Shoving playfully at his chest, Astrid pulled the door open to head back to work.

"Muttonhead."

"You love me anyway."

"Eh. Loves a strong word."

"Oh, you wound me."

They went back to their computers, Eret occasionally tossing screwed up bits of paper with daft jokes on them to make her smile. She was lucky to have a friend who had no desire to get her into bed, it provided a welcome change and he always, _always_ had food in his bag.

On lunch, Eret produced one of her favourite chocolate bars to spice up her packed lunch of tuna and pasta. She didn't care about her weight, but Astrid liked running and rock climbing and knew her body needed certain fuel.

"I knew I hadn't killed you yet for good reason."

"Survival instincts man. I got 'em."

He ate his two massive chicken and cheese sandwiches in shockingly short time, then started on his favourite hobby of making up nonsense stories for the conversations others might be having around the cafeteria.

"I'll have you know Jenkins, I've ordered twelve kilos of custard creams!"

Falling about laughing as Eret spouted absolute rubbish, Astrid chewed on her chocolate bar and resumed lamenting the lack of suitable men in the world that weren't gay or fictional. Not that Eret was her type, but he was a great guy.

"I might know someone you know."

"Everyone knows someone."

Eret rolled his eyes, picking bread crumbs off his tie.

"A date for you. Idiot."

"You don't sound sure."

"How do you feel about arty guys?"

"Uh. What's he look like?"

Eret shrugged, contemplating.

"Kinda thin, but not too skinny. I would, to be honest, he's cute in a dorky kinda way. And he's got great hair. I know that's not your normal type, but-"

"Maybe that's what I need?"

"Well, yeah. Even if there's no chemistry, I can promise he'll not do anything Ryker did. In fact, I can guarantee he'll make you enjoy your night."

"What's the catch?"

Eret frowned, attempting to look offended.

"Why do you assume there's a catch?"

"Because you're really selling this guy. Theee has to be a catch."

"Alright, fine. His name's a little... odd."

Astrid finished typing up the paragraph she was on, then turned around to face Eret properly.

"Hit me."

"Hiccup Haddock."

"Are you _kidding_ me? I can't date him, I'll piss myself laughing when he introduces himself."

Rolling his eyes, Eret prepared to wheel back to his workstation and actually get something done.

"Suit yourself. Date more idiots. We still doing takeout tonight?"

"Obviously."

Eret and she parted ways for the afternoon, going home for a shower and a change of clothes before Eret came over with a bag of Chinese food. Then they would eat too much, lament bad relationships or sexual frustration, followed by watching a movie until they fell asleep in unattractive positions on the sofa.

Their standard Friday night really.

Waking up to see Eret drooling on his balled up jacket as a makeshift pillow, Astrid spied her cat, Stormfly, looking unhappily at her empty food bowl.

"Alright, alright. I get the hint."

Crawling off the sofa with a painful crick in her neck from sleeping in a stupid position on the sofa, eventually making it to the cat food that she emptied into the cats bowl.

"Satisfied? Good."

Next on her list was the bathroom, so she could empty her bursting bladder, brush her teeth and attempt to contain her wild blonde hair into its braid again. Eret still hadn't moved when she went back through, though now she had eaten Stormfly had helped herself to the spot Astrid had left warm on the sofa.

"Asshole cat."

Astrid clicked on the kettle, put out a second cup ready for Eret when he woke up and made herself a coffee, taking herself out onto the miniscule balcony that barely let Stormfly sunbathe. She lit her cigarette, telling herself yet again she needed to quit smoking. Gazing out at the people milling about (at this criminal hour on a Saturday morning), Astrid sipped the hot, rich liquid between puffs on her cigarette.

"Ugh, I regret that second tray of chow mein."

"Morning Eret!"

"Is it? Pre-coffee. Too soon for talk."

Looking utterly ridiculous with his hair sleep-flattened on one side and chaotic on the other, Eret stumbled out to squeeze on her balcony with coffee and smoke in hand. Astrid helped light it for him, hoping it would stop him setting himself on fire.

"Have you thought any more about my suggestion?"

"That I shave my head and become an Amazon warrior?"

"Haha. No. The art dork guy?"

"With a name I could never say aloud? Pass."

Eret rolled his eyes.

"Why do you care anyway?"

"I dunno. I don't like seeing you get hurt or angry. He's a good guy."

"You've been wanting to suggest him for a while, I know that look."

Eret feigned innocence.

"Ok. He might have seen you on my phone background and asked me to set you up."

"Oh gods, _what?"_

"He likes your smile."

Astrid was momentarily thrown - she couldn't remember the last time anyone had complimented her smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Hmm. Alright. Once we are both back in the land of the living" Eret stopped for a long puff of smoke "will you come take a look at him? He works in a cafe. Makes great cakes. That's how we became friends."

"He's gonna think it's a set up!"

"Well we can look through the window. If you aren't bowled over, we'll leave and go the coffee shop for hideously sugary fruit coolers."

Astrid sighed, tossing the last of her cigarette to the ground.

"If it'll shut you up."

"Excellent!"

Astrid winced at his sudden volume.

"Hush. Too early."

"Sorry."

Eret whispered, letting Astrid back into her flat so she could drink some fruit juice. Once past the pre-caffeine stage, Eret was much more get up and go in the morning than Astrid. So he was dressed and alert, bright eyed and bushy tailed or something. Astrid was more like a bear with a sore head, wanting to laze with at least two more coffees in her before they went out.

"Come on!"

"Why are you so- oh gods, _you_ have a date tonight. That's why you're in a rush."

He was _so_ caught. Eret attempted to look innocent, but Astrid could see right through him.

"Ok fine. I do. Not long term but damn I need to get laid and he's _cute."_

"You disgust me. Fine. Let's go. I expect the best cake of my life. It literally better be better than sex."

Victorious, Eret happily dragged her to some serene, ocean-themed building she expected to find people doing yoga in and eating vegan ice cream.

"What is this place?"

"His mom runs it. Makes a mean herbal tea but can't cook to save her life he said. So... he does that. Ok look, see the one behind the till now?"

Feeling like a total creepy stalker, Astrid peered through the window that gave a feeling of ice with it's delicate frostes appearance. And promptly decided _she_ owed _Eret_ cake.

"Does he really have such a weird name?"

"His dad named him. Tradition for a runt apparently."

"Runt? He's gotta be six foot, easy."

"Yeah, but see the super tall woman there? She's his mom."

Some long, willowy woman with miles of hair and a couple of inches height on 'Hiccup' made Astrid's eyes widen.

"Blimey."

"Yeah, he was born early and so his dad named him that when he was little. Anyway, do you approve?"

Astrid _did_ approve. Very much so. He had messy hair that looked soft and inviting, a dopey but charming smile on his face when his mother hugged him from behind. She could see the sharp cut of his jaw even from across the whole cafe.

She didn't say anything to Eret. But Astrid liked. She liked very much.

"So... coming in? I'll buy you cake."

"And coffee?"

"And coffee."

"Ok."

Astrid wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't beautiful green eyes and flushed cheeks when Eret bounded up to the counter and introduced Astrid.

"Eret!"

"Hey buddy. Meet Astrid."

"Hi Astrid. I'm uh, I'm Hiccup. And well, what can I get you?"

"The strongest caffeinated drink possible for Astrid, plus the sickliest cake you make. I'll have the usual."

Hiccup nodded, then turned to Astrid.

"That alright with you?"

Gods, he _checked._ Astrid didn't know why but it really, really bolstered his attraction.

"Uh, yeah. Unless the sickliest has nuts in."

"Allergies?"

"No. Just don't like them."

His lower lip jutted out just slightly as he smiled, and Astrid decided she ought to punch Eret as she felt butterflies in her stomach. How was he _allowed_ to do that? She didn't even know him.

"You got it. Go sit down, I'll bring them over to you. It's time Justin took over the tills anyway."

Astrid followed Eret to a table with the perfect view of the till. Spying his look, Astrid followed Eret's eyeline to see he was ogling (presumably) Justin. Justin was a big guy with short blond hair and a warm, friendly smile.

"Is that your date?"

"What? Gods no. Does he look like the one night stand type?"

"Fair point."

"Oh, he's coming over. Check out his ass. It's amazing."

Astrid turned around on autopilot, then kicked Eret under the table for making her look. Hiccup managed to put down the huge tray one handed, then slung his elongated body into a seat next to Eret.

"Aren't you sick of this place yet?"

"With your moms tea? Never!"

Hiccup chuckled, the sound slinking inside Astrid to nestle somewhere in her chest to warm her. When he looked over at Astrid, there was a light in his gorgeous green eyes and it made him even more ridiculously beautiful.

"That coffee is pretty powerful, it's some foreign stuff my mom found on her travels so if you can't handle it just say and I'll swap it for something less potent."

"As if. I can _handle_ anything."

His eyes were mirthful as Astrid lifted the simple white and blue cup to her mouth, taking a sip of coffee so dark it was almost jet black. **Fuck** that _was_ strong.

"Well? How's your Night Fury?"

Astrid took another swallow, practically feeling like she'd been zapped from the inside already.

"It's fine. Might order another."

"Not allowed. Only one per customer because of the caffiene content. Let me know if you get heart palpitations, but I think my moms about to burn down the kitchen. Excuse me."

Hiccup stood up, and Astrid almost told him she was getting flutters in her chest that were nothing to do with the coffee. As he left, Eret was grinning like a total shit.

"So... you like him."

"As if."

"Astrid, I was scared you were going to club him over the head and throw him over your shoulder like a cave person when you saw him."

Just because it was a tempting prospect didn't make it right.

"Fuck off."

Astrid turned her attention to the cake thing in front of her, something soft and white-chocolatey and covered in little dots of icing in various shades of green and blue.

"It's so pretty I _almost_ don't want to eat it."

She took a large bite, mouth suddenly full of an explosion of flavour. Judging by the surprised look on Eret's face, Astrid had vocalised her enjoyment a little too loud.

"If it helps, he literally just looked over here like Christmas had come early. Or maybe that was him."

Her cheeks flushed against her will. Astrid almost looked around.

"Eret, I will bludgeon you. Or maybe I'll take your cake."

"Can't. Mines got nuts."

"I hate you."

Eret grinned, taking a measured bite of his own sweet treat. Probably trying to make it last. Astrid didn't care, devouring her cake thing in a couple more mouthfuls and deciding if he could make cake like _that_ there was no way he was single. It was impossible.

"So, is that coffee too strong? I've never braved it."

"Take a sip."

He picked up the cup, staring at the liquid like it was going to bite him, then he took the tiniest sip. Astrid would be amazed if he could even taste it.

"Nope. Not for me. Not even first thing."

"Wimp. I quite like it."

"But its not the coffee making your heart go funny."

"Shut up."

"Oh, that's confirmation! I knew he was your type secretly."

"Secretly?"

"Mhmm. I mean, Ryker's three times his size and bald. Hiccup's all sweet and dorky and has all that hair."

"How did you know? Ryker was a blind date."

"Yeah but I realised when you said his name... I might have known him."

"Gods, that's a grim thought."

"Well that's in his name."

Astrid rolled her eyes, taking another swallow of her coffee. Once the intensity was adjusted to, it was actually delicious. Now she was disappointed she couldn't have more. She heard that laugh that warmed her again, turning to see Hiccup and his mother laughing together at something.

"Oh my gods you could not be more smitten on sight."

"Eret, I will kill you."

"So you think his names too much still?"

"Shut up."

After they had finished food and drink, Astrid insisted they leave before Eret continued to be a pain in the ass.

"You can piss off and get ready for your date."

"Can I give Hiccup your number?"

"No."

"Can I anyway?"

"If I say no, will you do it anyway?"

"Obviously."

"Jackass. I'm gonna ask him if he can set you and Justin up as revenge."

Eret blushed but still quipped back.

"Not tonight. I have plans with a shameful encounter."

"Idiot. Go away."

Eret turned to head home, so Astrid refused to take one last longing stare at the gorgeous guy back in the cafe and headed home. Her phone finally vibrated with a text.

Not that she'd been waiting.

Not at all.

 _"Bet you don't sleep tonight after that Night Fury."_

 _"Is that how you always say hello?"_

 _"I'm awkward, so I skip the small talk."_

 _"So if I said that I've been kept up late for much better reasons, you would feel awkward?"_

Saving his number as Hiccup in her phone felt ridiculous, but she discovered the impulse to laugh hysterically at his name was gone. Instead, she felt butterflies every time her phone buzzed.

 _"Depends if you mean homework or sex."_

 _"You think homework is better than coffee? Are you mad?"_

 _"I just didn't want to make assumptions about your sex life."_

 _"Eret caught you doing that earlier."_

 _"Tell him he's a dick."_

 _"Can't, he's out making bad decisions. Speaking of, is Justin gay? I promised Eret I'd tell you to set him up with him in revenge for passing on my number."_

 _"Does that mean you don't want to talk to me?"_

 _"Haven't decided yet. Ask me tomorrow when I come get more cake. Unless you want to bring me some."_

Gods, why was Astrid suddenly in heat? She didn't _know_ this guy. She blamed Eret for talking about getting laid, reminding Astrid it had been a while and here was this gorgeous idiot with a funny name. This gorgeous idiot with a funny name Astrid was rapidly considering less and less important in light of wanting to fuck him stupid.

 _"We don't do delivery."_

 _"I'll tip you in smiles."_

 _"Gods, Eret told you about that?"_

 _"It was the main reason I agreed to come look at you. I haven't had a compliment on that for a while."_

 _"I find that hard to believe."_

 _"It's true!"_

 _"Then it's a grave injustice. I'll bring you cake for that smile."_

Astrid had resolved not to do anything to Hiccup. Or with him, rather. Especially not on barely-a-date date one. She was doing so well at it too.

Until he asked as he was about to leave whether or not he could kiss her. Astrid had let him, tasting a multitude of sweet flavours on his lips from all the different cakes they had taste-tested. Her hands made their way to his soft, thick hair, and Hiccup made a soft sound in the back of his throat.

Somewhere between that and midnight, they had ended up in bed together.

"I uh... I wasn't expecting that."

Hiccup leant up on his arm, tracing his fingers along her bare arm and Astrid cursed her shiver.

"Me either."

"I didn't come over to try and get you into bed."

"I know. I wouldn't have invited you if I thought you would."

His face suddenly clouded over.

"Is this the part where you kick me out?"

Astrid frowned.

"Do you want me to?"

Hiccup rolled onto his back, staring up at her ceiling and she caught sight of the proud hickey she had left on his throat.

"No, but I'm used to not being boyfriend material. I'm an art geek who bakes, a mommy's boy and I have the weirdest name in the world."

"I don't know about that. Pretty sure my neighbours know your name now."

Hiccup blushed, chuckling shyly and Astrid felt her chest grow warm again.

"I uh. Yeah, I don't know what to say to that."

Astrid shuffled along closer, trailing a hand down his chest to dip below the covers

"Round three?"

Hiccup didn't leave that night. Although Astrid quite liked waking up with him there after a bloody _brilliant_ night with him, a part of her wished she had sent him home.

Because the _smirk_ on Eret's face when he let himself in her flat to brag about his fantastic sex the previous night, only to find Hiccup there was just too much.

"You may thank me later, but I think Hiccup here needs to do the walk of shame and get to work. Those cakes won't make themselves."

"He uh, might have a point. I better go."

Astrid followed him to the door, grabbing the hesitant idiot and kissing him goodbye. Eret mocked her mercilessly, but Astrid stopped caring when Hiccup sent her a text half an hour later.

 _"Can I see you again?"_

 _"That depends. Will you bring cake?"_

-HTTYD-

 **Well, It's official. I cannot write non-smutty Hiccstrid. I must accept that I will write porn forevermore.**

 **Apologies if you thought there was a second chapter, I uploaded instead of replaced with slightly updated authors note.**


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